Depersonalisation is something I no longer identify with — thankfully.
But for many years, I felt like I was watching life through someone else’s eyes. Every waking hour felt surreal. There was no rest. No ground beneath me. It can make you believe you’re going crazy.
Looking back now, I can see the truth — I wasn’t crazy. I was completely disconnected: from myself, from life, from the world.
What It Really Felt Like
I had no connection to another human being. I was fully saturated in media, video games, TV — anything to escape the reality I didn’t want to live. My self-talk was brutal. My sense of self? Nonexistent.
On every level — emotionally, spiritually, physically — I was shutting down. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. Just darkness. And honestly? A part of me wonders if my soul simply retreated to protect itself.
The Role of Trauma
When I first developed depersonalisation, I was in the middle of severe psychological abuse from a parent. Gaslighting. Manipulation. Emotional warfare.
I coped by turning to instant gratification — adult material, video games, constant distractions. I had no meaningful human connection. No one cheering for me. And my own inner voice? It was my worst enemy.
So in a strange way… depersonalisation protected me. It softened the unbearable. It numbed the unfixable.
If You’re There Now — Read This
- You are not going crazy.
You are likely responding — intelligently — to life experiences that felt unsafe or overwhelming. - Don’t fight it. Don’t fear it.
When you resist it, it grows. When you judge it, it sticks. Try to say: “Okay. You’re here. I see you. I know you’re trying to help.” - Self-acceptance is the medicine.
If no one else is fighting for you — you must. That version of me back then? I needed love. Not more punishment. - Show up for yourself.
Even when I wanted to escape, I tried to do small, good things: detox baths, early nights, gentle food, tech curfews.
And Then, Slowly… Things Changed
I recovered from chronic illness. I came back from severe depression and anxiety. I lost weight. I looked healthier. I ventured out into the world. I found love. I built connection.
And most importantly? My nervous system began to feel safe. Safe enough to stop protecting me with numbness.
You Will Come Back Too
Depersonalisation feels like hell. But it’s not forever.
The part of you that feels disconnected? It’s trying to protect you. To give you a buffer.
And when life feels safer — when you feel safer — that part will no longer need to protect you the same way.
You won’t always feel like this. You are not alone. And you are not broken.